When I was small, I remember thinking:- “How can I be sure that the world behind my head continues to exist while I’m not looking?”. Indeed, how did I know that people continue to exist while they are not present in the room? On the surface it was a childishly simple question which may have placed me somewhere on the Autism spectrum, and caused me to fail the Sally-Anne test. But under the deeper scrutiny of a more sceptical mind, I realise this question is actually quite profoundly hard to disprove.

Perhaps the most powerful kernel of truth can be found in Rene Descartes’ Meditations on First Philosophy :- “Cogito ergo sum” (”I think therefore I am”) – that our mind itself (or more specifically, our ability to reason) is the only single entity which does not depend on any other entity to verify its existence. A falling forest tree, (on the other hand!), would require a witness for the event to be considered real at all!

A more modern interpretation of this idea is re-told my favourite film The Matrix, where the machines create an artificial prison for the human senses.  But one of my favourite passages that also illustrates this point can be found in the first chapter of Alice Through the Looking-Glass:

`Now, if you’ll only attend, Kitty, and not talk so much, I’ll tell you all my ideas about Looking-glass House. First, there’s the room you can see through the glass — that’s just the same as our drawing room, only the things go the other way. I can see all of it when I get upon a chair — all but the bit behind the fireplace. Oh! I do so wish I could see that bit! I want so much to know whether they’ve a fire in the winter: you never can tell, you know, unless our fire smokes, and then smoke comes up in that room too — but that may be only pretence, just to make it look as if they had a fire. Well then, the books are something like our books, only the words go the wrong way; I know that, because I’ve held up one of our books to the glass, and then they hold up one in the other room.

Alice cannot actually see the fire in Looking-glass House, and any rational person would conclude that it should appear exactly the same as Alice’s own fire, albeit horizontally reversed. Therefore, Looking-glass House probably has a fire when Alice has one in the winter. Yet to make this assumption without proof, we are forced to draw on pre-developed concepts and notions about our world. Our development happens through our senses which, as Descartes suggested (and many psychologists have proven!), can casually deceive us when presented with the right stimulus.

The Unreliability of a World Built Around Senses

There are plenty of examples of ambiguous stimulus that will cause people to walk away with totally separate beliefs about an event. If you have ever heard a recording of yourself, you have probably questioned how different you can sound from outside of your own head. Even something so simple can appear to cause reality to diverge into two (or more) clearly different perceptions. Even trusted historical fact can begin to look uncertain when you ask two proponents of very different polar arguments to document the same event. For instance, The reasons behind the U.S-led invasion of Iraq in 2003, the scale of the Jewish Holocaust, the causes of the American Civil War, the origins of AIDS.  All of these questions should – if indeed we do share a common reality – have definite, historically factual answers with no room for question.  Yet the reality we find ourselves in is quite the opposite.  Even transparent, contemporary debates on evolution vs. creationism, stem cell research, abortion and climate change can sound very different depending on who is describing the process and the political position or group they belong to. Wikipedia often bears the brunt of this struggle, as different groups attempt to reconcile and reconstruct a jigsaw of events from differing perspectives – a fact that is clearly reflected by the ever-growing number of locked and controversial topics. So just where has our collective, universally-shared reality-experience gone?

Unique Reality, Created Just for You

The truth is – it never existed! Reality is meaningless until it is perceived. Perception requires a point of view, which brings with it some perspective. Once we begin perceiving a world from a particular perspective, defined by our own life experiences, we can safely say that our understanding of events becomes unique.  Essentially, you are one mind, alone.  Reality is perception, and your reality has been carefully created for you by your own mind, and while we share a lot of things in common, our experiences and therefore our reality will be different. On a grander scale, this effect not only influences the individual, but will have a collective impact on the identity of entire countries, religions and groups.

I am more sceptical than ever about the world behind my head, and people I cannot see.  But have found an even greater place of distrust for the bits of this world I do get to see.

Deepwater Horizon BP Oil Disaster

On the 20th of April 2010, a BP oil rig exploded, killing 11 workers and injuring 17 more. Over the next few months it would spill millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and become both a terrible tragedy and an ecological disaster. Obama and his administration quite rightly stepped up their rhetoric, holding those who are responsible to account.

But why did he use the phrase “British Petroleum”? BP has not called itself this for over a decade. Through the many Freudian slips from American politicians and the media, it has become clear that anti-British sentiments lurk under the surface for some people. But just how much responsibility really belongs to Britain?

BP is a UK registered company that is jointly owned by 39% American and 44% British shareholders, employing 10,000 British workers and 22,800 American workers. Indeed, this year BP paid ￡4.7m tax to the U.S and ￡1.5m to the UK. Suddenly, British Petroleum doesn’t look so British anymore, does it? In fact, it was only in March 2008 during the U.S. led invasion of Iraq that George Bush pushed through the Iraq oil law, taking oil development out of the public sector and into the hands of companies like BP, Shell and Exxon. Is the Gulf of Mexico oil spill really just a British mistake?

The BP oil spill is no more British than the German Measles are German. We cannot blame the American media or politicians for trying to portion out the blame elsewhere. Any psychologist will tell you that assigning negative behaviour to out-groups is a quintessentially human survival mechanism designed to preserve the group’s self-image. It is not helpful to think of this tragedy as a British or American disaster, and the only thing ‘real’ in all of this is the lives, livelihoods and wildlife that will be destroyed by the consequences

This week the Internet community was outraged by a UK government attempt to sneak new Internet legislation through parliament. The two hour debate made a mockery of our political process, akin to a computer hacker exploiting a security flaw in a computer system.

The new Digital Economy Bill – thinly disguised as a tool to fight copyright theft – will actually give the government total control over all .UK domain registrations. They will have the power to switch your Internet off, and to arbitrarily block access to sites they deem unsuitable for you.

Freedom of speech and expression are the most precious of commodities, sacrificing even one inch of this freedom requires some serious justification. How can a meaningful debate like this be rushed? Elizabeth Sparrow, president of the British Computing Society called on the government to give the bill more time, saying:

“This bill could have huge consequences for online activity that are currently poorly understood. The Institute is highlighting the importance of the Internet to citizenship and the opportunities for everyone to participate. Those opportunities could be curtailed and even diminished if some of the proposals being discussed make it into law.”

Even Google weighed in on the argument:

“We absolutely believe in the importance of copyright, but blocking through injunction creates a high risk that legal content gets mistakenly blocked, or that people abuse the system.”

Tim Berners-Lee, credited inventor of the Internet has indicated his position against this bill in a recent document published by W3C. Even Nominet CEO, Lesley Cowley voiced opposition to the bill recently.

The Impact of the Digital Economy Bill

So just what kind of impact is this bill likely to have? Firstly, techies always have the option of using proxies to access sites the UK government thinks it has blocked. This has worked for Chinese and Iranian citizens and many others in the past. Google – along with other companies – now offers an independent DNS service which is not within the UK government’s control. Webmasters could register .com domains instead of .uk ones, thereby avoiding all levels of this new found, self-appointed control. For every limitation placed on the Web, there will be two and a half ways around it. In fact, the government itself knows little of the Internet, and would be reduced to asking technicians to comply with the new law. Internet provider TalkTalk has already declared it will not comply with this new legislation. If each individual involved in I.T. adopted a similar line, the government themselves would be powerless to bring about the realisation of this new bill. They might just succeed in further irritating and alienating an already disenfranchised public.

But above all, the Internet is an independent community, with a unique language, etiquette and style of humour. It is fair to say that it has its own culture. The parliamentary expenses scandal has shown us just how unfit our politicians are to police themselves. From where I’m sat, the government have no more right or ability to police this global community, than it did the early colonies of America, once it became clear they would flourish. They have missed their opportunity, leaving the evolution of the Internet to develop organically through Universities, private enterprise and the ideas of some incredibly bright individuals. Only now that the Internet plays a major role in our lives and the elections themselves does the government suddenly decide it wants to reassert its power. The very idea that any single person – or group of people – could be ‘in charge’ of free ideas and the creative thought channelled through this wonderful medium is not only flawed, it is laughable.

MP Stephen Byers : suspended and referred to parliamentary commissioner for standards over secret dealings with Tescos and other lobbyists

Tescos Refuse Alcohol To Parents and Others

On St Patrick’s Day 2010, a Tescos Express store in Manchester refused to sell beer to a 24 year old friend of mine, even after she had produced ID. She had spotted a promotion – three 4-packs of beer for £10 – and I made the fatal mistake of helping her carry two of these to the checkout. At 29 years old, I was asked for ID by 19 year old checkout assistant RJ. As I did not have any ID with me at the time, Tescos refused to sell the beer to my friend J. We were so upset we stood and argued with the acting manager, AM until long after the store had closed.

At the time I was quite upset, as I had no intention of drinking the alcohol myself,  but after searching the Internet for: “Tescos alcohol policy” I was astonished to see just how far the supermarket giant had taken the issue.  Both the Telegraph and the Daily Mail ran the headlines: “Tescos refuse alcohol to parents” and were filled with hundreds of similar anecdotes from disgruntled customers.  This claim was verified by a friend M, who was refused both alcohol and scissors after bringing her daughter to her local Tescos.  What made this outcome even more puzzling, was that she was not asked for any ID when repeating this experiment at the self service checkout of another store.   In fact, an entire Facebook community has grown up around Tescos alcohol policy.

Tescos Alcohol Policy & Steven Byers Lobbying Connection

Last Wednesday, the government proposed an increase in alcohol tax, a move which almost all supermarkets openly opposed – saying such moves would restrict their ability to deliver good value to their customers.

Tescos was the only supermarket to welcome the move, and last week a spokesperson told a Channel 4 News reporter that the supermarket chain had already been in discussions with the government over this issue “for the past two years”. In February 2008, Tescos openly announced they would “work with the government” to ‘play an active role’ to limit the sale of cheap alcohol. Interestingly, the government has also employed Tescos help to force some the legislation through! Mysteriously, Tescos recent won the right to sell alcohol at their St. Marys store at Cardiff County Council. So just how did this cosy relationship develop? At what point did Tescos start to become an unelected branch of our government?

Tonight, rogerdavies.com can reveal that Tescos have been in secret discussions with Steven Byers – an MP who was this week suspended over allegation he was taking ‘cash for favours’ along with Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt after the trio were filmed by an undercover sting operation for Channel 4 : Dispatches, disguised as a US lobbying firm.  In the footage, the MPs boast about how they would be able to exert influence in Parliament if the price was right. The final piece of the puzzle fell into place when it transpired – not surprisingly – that Tescos corporate affairs director, Lucy Neville-Rolfe had approached Stephen Byers. You know what they say, where there’s smoke there’s usually fire.

Something which only caught my attention as a minor Paddy’s Day mishap, lead me to this startling discovery which will affect the public scrutiny on the relationship between government and private commerce. When U.S. president Barack Obama took office, he started to tackle this exact issue. Perhaps it is time for the UK to follow suit?

Petition Against Tescos Alcohol Policy Today!

We the undersigned, order Tesco to change it's ridiculous alcohol policy with immediate effect. No supermarket has any kind of right to decide how you behave once you have made your purchase and exited the store.

Mothers and Fathers should NOT be refused alcohol simply because they have small children with them. Equally, no checkout assistant should be encouraged to play 'detective' in making judgements and assumptions about the familiarity and intentions of the groups of people they serve. Tesco is a supermarket, not a governing body or some kind of thought police investigators.

As a market leader, Tesco has a duty to the British public to act ethically and fairly and in the light questionable meetings between Stephen Byers and Tescos corporate affairs director Lucy Neville-Rolfe, we wish to express our concern that Tescos is not an executive branch of the UK government, and that Tesco needs to alter it's policy IMMEDIATELY to reflect this.

Name:

E-mail address:

Please enter an optional comment:

Do not display name on website:

xxxxxxxx,
I agree with the sentiment but as a licencee we face huge fines and possibly losing our licence for what is called proxy selling i.e. selling to those who supply underage people. It has got the whole industry in turmoil. We also get conflicting advice from the various related bodies. The sooner more indviduals are prosecuted for purchasing t sell on to minors the better. Pus if it is an illegal offence to attempt to buy alcohol if someone is under 18 why are there so few prosecutions? As traders we are expected to police the selling of the alcohol and anticipate the motives of the consumer. An impossible task.

Alasdair King,

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I really hope that this new coalition government can clean up all of this corporate lobbying mess. It would be too easy for them to fall into the same pit of shame. Tesco should be dragged before the monopolies and mergers commission immediately. Minimum pricing on alcohol is just not going to work!

xxxxxxxx,
I'm 27 and the exact same thing happened to me when I was trying to buy myself a couple of pints, I had my id with me which I was happy to show them, however my sister (22) was with me. I too got really upset, but after 10 minutes arguing I went to Sainsbury's.

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my daughter was refused a bottle of wine at the tesco stare in Heswall, she is 24 and had id with her, her boyfriend is 20, yrs old, 6'5" tall, balding with a beard!!!!! he didnt have id so they refused to sell it to her incase it was for him!!!! I ended up going to get it myself and the person turned out to be a 4' high trumped up manager who looked about 13 years old, who failed to justify her position by creating a new national law which made her descision valid. Tesco, get real and use common sense!!!!!

xxxxxxxx,
I was refused a bottle of wine last night because I was with my 16yr old sister. I am 30 and my brother who was also with us is 27 and we both had ID. How dare Tesco judge me to assume I am supplying an under-age with alcohol.

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As a 48 year old man with grey hair I don't need an ID card to buy alcohol. But I was refused alcohol because I was with my 17 year old son and 2 of his friends.....The old hag of a cashier with called over a 12 year old looking manager who also refused me, saying that if I want to buy alcohol not to go to the checkout with my son in future......!!!!!!!!....????? It’s another sign of a company having to much power ..... what next ....Tesco police .... Tesco courts .... or will it be ... Tesco firing squad, just look at the way they treat there suppliers !

Chris,

Michael Wharton,
Tesco suck teh balls!

Roger Davies,

Tescos Alcohol Policy Facebook Groups!

• Everyone who is against Tesco’s ID policy
• Tescos Alcohol Rules are Crap
• Tesco’s are ridiculous asking a group for ID when only one person is buying.
• Tesco’s Pathetic Alcohol Policy
• Tescos – Leave your kids home alone if you want to buy alcohol
• Boycott Tesco
• What Kind Of Alcohol Policy Is This Tesco!!

Let me remind the reader that The Pontiff is neither a UK citizen nor resident,  and this gives him about as much right to change UK law as Mickey Mouse.  Under his watch – and those of his predecessors – sexual abuse in Catholic schools and institutions was tolerated and widespread. The question has to be asked :  is it really in the public interest to ask every man, woman and child of Britain to pay £20m for a Papal visit, when only 9 percent of Britons are Catholic? (Source: BSA Survey 2007).

Would our government be so generous to throw this much money at an Islamic leader coming here to preach equally intolerant messages?  No, of course not!  Such double standards will impair our ability to defend human rights overseas and at home.  If we provide equal rights to everyone, but grant immunity in special cases like these, where will it end?  How can we refuse when other religions start demanding exception from arbitrary sections of British law they happen to disagree with?  We are not a theocracy, and can afford nobody to be above the law.  You may even find the army or perhaps the navy saying they too should be exempt from equalities laws under the banner of national security.  Perhaps schools, scout leaders and other public institutions would follow – after all, your children’s safety is important to protect too, right?

No dear friends, we cannot cave in to such fascism, even when it wears a friendly and familiar face.  If we surrender one inch of our equality laws, we will have betrayed the single most important value of our society.  This week, the National Secular Society launched an online petition to the Prime Minister to allow the pope to pay for his own visit.  Within hours, thousands of signatures had been collected, and just before midday Friday the website went offline due to the flood of traffic it received.  At the time of writing, more than 16,500 signatures have been collected.  Allow me to use this opportunity to read a section from one of my favourite poems, written by Pastor Martin Niemöller:

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Equality is an all-encompassing idea. We cannot pick and choose which parts we agree with and which parts we do not simply to satisfy a few.  The moment we do, we may as well rip out the rest of our secular freedoms and put our monarchy back in full charge of all UK affairs.  Religious freedom exist under secular law, but freedom of belief cannot be achieved under theocratic rule – we cannot  afford to tolerate intolerance.

We must extend freedom, where such freedom does not curtail the freedom of others.  In cases where these freedoms are mutually exclusive, the freedom of the many must outweigh the freedom of the few. This is the very nature of democracy and the reason the Pope should pay for his own visit.

How Does Encryption Work?

The basic principle is simple. You take some data input and perform a series of transformations on it to produce a hash. The important thing about the hash, is there is no way of working back to find out what the original input was.

Let’s suppose your website admin password was ‘redqueen451‘, the MD5 sum hash for this is ‘8aa8d1d84b9f7ab18c78b69dbf6103dc‘ . Each time you log in, the computer takes your input and applies the same tranformation to see if it ends up with ‘8aa8d1d84b9f7ab18c78b69dbf6103dc‘ also. The safety of this mechanism relies on the fact that there is no easy way to work out what the original input of a hash was.

Therefore, the danger of having two different inputs which happen to generate the same output (known as a ‘collision‘) pose a mortal danger to any cipher.

Why MD5 Is In Danger And What This Means For The Web

Well, the trouble with being a popular algorithm is that everyone is obsessed with you! Hans Dobbertin identified collisions in 1995, which started to raise concerns. Plenty of people had a go. In 2005 Xiaoyun Wang was able to produce two full PostScript documents which generated the same hash.  But I feel the death blow was dealt on the 30th of December 2008, when a group of researchers announced they had generated a VeriSign certificate authority certificate which appeared to be valid when checked with MD5.  This allowed them to create as many SSL certificates as they liked, all of which would appear to be perfectly legitimate VeriSign-issued ones! VeriSign swiftly moved and began using AES (The Advanced Encryption Standard) which handles up to 256-bit encryption.

Not content that MD5 was already dead and buried, people began compiling MD5 Rainbow Tables, lookup tables that will give you possible input to generate a particular MD5 hash. In fact some people have already tried to integrate this within a neat MD5 hash reversal web service.

Needed : A Solution For The People

The days of MD5 are most definitely numbered and finite.  Being broken and having so many hands cracking it means that it can never again be used for SSL, nor within any kind of secret service institution nor anywhere that 100% security is required.  For you, me and our websites these weakness does not pose any immediate danger in most cases, but we cannot wait for the rainbow tables to be filled.  Holes have already been picked in SHA-1 (a likely candidate billed to replace MD5) and there will come a time when at least one possible input will be known for every possible combination of digits in a hash sum!  At the very least, this will open up entirely new ways hackers might exploit security loopholes. We must not wait until that happens before finding a suitable replacement for the masses!

Today I stood and basked in the awesome glory of the Manchester Small Scale Experimental Machine (SSEM) nicknamed the ‘Baby‘. Built 1948, it was the first ever electronic computer system in the world and has been on display here at the Manchester Institute of Science and Technology.  I was dismayed to learn that the computer is being packed away in to storage, but the kind staff allowed me up close to pay my respects and bring you these great photos.

Programming the Small Scale Experimental Machine

Having spent much of last weekend writing my first programs for this great ancestor of modern computing, I find renewed appreciation for the technology that is available to us now. I have written code for a few computers, including some home consoles like the Super Nintendo, but nothing could have prepared me for the Manchester Baby.

Why? Well, firstly, it has a humble instruction set consisting of 7 valid instructions, with only ONE arithmetic operation – subtract! In order to add two values, a programmer would need to use the form: -(-x-y).  Software multiplication can be achieved by creating a loop which repeatedly ‘adds’ in this manner – don’t even ask me about divide!

Another exciting fact about the SSEM is it’s memory store.  By today’s standards it would be considered backward.

How Binary Numbers are Usually Stored

How SSEM Stores Binary Numbers

No, I mean that it’s memory is literally a mirror image of how we might expect today’s computers to store binary numbers, with the least significant bit (LSB) is on the left and the most significant bit (MBR) on the right!

The memory store itself is made up of 32 rows of 32-bit words, giving the SSEM 128 bytes (0.125 KB) of total memory for both program and data. Not a lot when you compare it to computers available today.  To put everything back in perspective, the SSEM executes 1,100 instructions per second. Yet my Apple iPhone used to photograph this exhibit can execute 620,000,000 instruction per second and has 8,000,000 KB of storage and (AND!) … it fits right in my pocket.

How To Run Virtual SSEM Programs At Home

[ See The Source Code For This Example Here ]

But you don’t have to travel all the way to Manchester to use the SSEM.  David Sharp has developed a fantastic Java based SSEM simulator which you can run directly through your browser.  Not only does it include the imagery of the original machine, but includes several working program examples and the ability to import/export memory snapshots and assembly code.

Conclusion

All in all it was a very humbling experience. I am told that the Baby will go back on display in about 7 months and I strongly urge others to see this exhibit. While the Small Scale Experimental Machine may not be all that impressive technically, it provided a solid blueprint upon which all modern computers are built.  In doing so, it leaves a timeless mark in the computer world that will live on beyond it’s physical components.   These principles seem far removed when I’m sat at my desk working with luxuriously high-level language like PHP. But sometimes it helps to remind myself of the sheer toil and pain it has taken to get to this stage.

Extras

Here is the source code to the ‘TheFraj’ example featured in this article, a scrolling marquee based on an example program that comes with the simulator. Try saving this into a file and importing to the simulator!

30
1 NUM -1207943145
2 CMP
3 SUB 22
4 STO 18
5 LDN 18
6 SUB 18
7 STO 23
8 LDN 1
9 STO 18
10 LDN 18
11 SUB 20
12 CMP
13 LDN 19
14 STO 1
15 SUB 21
16 STO 7
19 NUM 1207943145
20 NUM -134217729
21 NUM -8192
22 JMP 1
23 NUM 2039410350
24 NUM 575808164
25 NUM 575808164
26 NUM 600729316
27 NUM 600729316
28 NUM 575283876
29 NUM 710025892
30 NUM 307375780
31 NUM 0


Welcome to the final exciting chapter of the Tales of Monkey Island walkthrough series. For those of you just joining us, our last game ended with the death of Guybrush Threepwood!. How will he defeat LeChuck? Read on!

Guybrush Threepwood - Tales of Monkey Island, Rise of the Pirate God Walkthrough

Rise of The Pirate God Walkthrough, Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 5

After the opening cutscene, pick up dirt from above you. Do this again to escape. Walkthrough to the right and talk to the Ferryman about his boat. Mention how clean it is. Use the dirt of the boat, then talk to the Ferryman about a spot of dirt he’s missed. While he is distracted, take some money from the tip jar. Use this in the Grog machine and press the change return slot to get two coins. Give these coins to the Ferryman and he’ll take you to the Crossroads.

Get in the boat and navigate to the sword fighting area in the North. Go up the stairs and the click on the mast to climb it. Talk to Morgan LaFlay, then pick up the ghost’s sword from the decapitated head and used the sword on Morgan La Flay. When sword fighting, use the actions that complement Morgan and insult the sword fighting ghost.

Head to the Treasure Hunter area and touch the sign and you will pick up the bone that falls off. Talk to the treasure hunter and ask him to show you how the treasure hunting works, when he leaves pick up the bejewelled anchor.

Jump back into the boat and head back to The Gateway. The Ferryman is gone, so pick up the tip jar, and go buy a grog (regular) from the Grog machine, then use the bone on Franklin the dog. Pick him up and use the sock with the dog – he runs to the Center Crossroads.

Follow him to Galeb and buy your photo from him (you now have moneys yey!), then use the sock on Galeb to get the treasure chest. Take the treasure chest to the Thief and ask him to open it. He steals the scroll and puts it in the pile. Talk to him and get him to look behind him, use the sock with dog once more, then use the dog with the pile. Head over to the Treasure Hunting area and use the sock with the dog again to find the Voodoo spell.

Sail to the Centre Crossroads and use the anchor, the dog and use the grog on the X. Head back to Morgan LeFlay in the sword fighting area and ask her about the final ingredient until she takes you back to the ‘x’ at the centre Crossroads. [cutscene]

When the cutscene ends with Guybrush on the deck of LeChuck’s ship, try to pick up the sword stuck in the mast. [cutscene]

Back at The Crossroads … Sail Gateway and enter the rip. Talk to Winslow, then jump into the water. Walk to the far right and speak to Anenome. Tell Anenome that Winslow is here. Head back up and talk to Wilmslow, tell him about Anenome and he will send a poem down to her. Jump back in and over to Anenome. Tell her Winslow and she will swim out, blowing the seaweed so that the locket is directly above the clam. Walk up to the clam, then away so the clam shoots a bubble, pulling the bag and locket to the surface. Head back up and talk to Winslow. You’ll explain to him that the locket is yours, but you cannot pick it up just now! Put your picture (you bought from Galeb)  (in the locket and ask Winslow to push the button.

[as zombie Guybrush] Surrender to be two guys in the bar. When you are taken to the jail, pull out the loose brick to discover a diary, pick it up and read it. After a few moments, you will leave your body.

Head back to the Swordfighting area and through the rip. Talk to Bugeye about how he escaped the manatee (tell him what you read in his diary). He gets mad and pulls a face, copy his face exactly (the ultimate insult). He will be taken to jail. This time if you ask Winslow to press the button and you surrender, you will be taken to the next cell. Notice the gum, pick up the mug on the barred window and the poster on the right.

Go back to the bar as a ghost and scare the dart thrower, he will throw a dart at the rootbeer, causing it to fall into the mug. Go back to Winslow and into zombie Guybrush! Surrender again and use the mug of rootbeer on the gum to find the spirit gum. [cutscene]

Walkthrough to the treasure hunting area and through the rip to meet the Voodoo Lady (now in the body of a dead seagull!). Tell her you want to shrink the Sponge. Keep talking until she disappears again.  Pick the lock of the chest with your hook and open it to get LeChucks belt buckle. Touch the seagull with your hook and pick up th feather that falls nearby.

Head back to the Gateway and talk to Galeb about lifting the curse and he’ll give you the recipe for the Diet of the Senses spell. Go to The Thief and show him LeChucks buckle. Talk to him about his secret, then when he’s done talking pick up the box, he’ll let you have it.

Head back to the bar in Flotsam, pick up the blindfold, tell the bartender you surrender and he’ll put you in jail. Pick up the (bland) ABC gum from the ceiling. Walkthrough to the gateway and to Winslow (or where Winslow was!), pick up the deodorant and dive into the ocean pick up the fishing net. Head back to the surface and to the treasure hunting area. Dig any cross and use the fishing net on the miniature pyrite parots when they alight on the sign. Put them in the empty tips jar. Go to La Sponga and use the :- the blindfold, jar of mini pyrite parots, the feather, the secret box, the deoderant, then the gum to complete the spell [long cutscene]

Beating LeChuck in the Rise of the Pirate God

You are fighting with LeChuck, who will knock you all over the place! When you are in the crows nest, use your hook on the main sail and you’ll do the ultimate pirate move of ripping down the mainsale with your hook! (Yargh!). At the bottom, talk to Elaine and ask her to attack LeChuck. When he keelhauls you, you should stop half way when Elain is attacking LeChuck. When here, get the ring of keys from the skeletons under the ship. When you are back on deck, use the key in the locked gate and a barrels will roll out. When you’re in the scene with the broken door (don’t worry you’ll get knocked down eventually!), pick it up and lay it across the barrel to make a see saw!

Shout to Elaine and ask her to light the cannon, then to attack LeChuck. Wait for LeChuck to punch you to the crows nest, use the hook on the rope and in the next scene wait for LeChuck to knock you off. Stand on the see saw and when he jumps down, you are catapulted into the cannon and shot back to the Crossroads. Use the shred of life with the portal and you get trapped in the Crossroads. Use the ring with the Centre Crossroads.

The End!!!

From the people that brought you such fabulous walkthroughs as … well … all the other Monkey Island games, Michael Wharton and Roger Davies are proud to present The Trial and Execution of Guybrush Threepwood Walkthrough, the latest Tales of Monkey Island adventure with tips, hints and solutions galore!

Guybrush Threepwood - Tales of Monkey Island

The Trial

After the cutscene, you will be on trial for your life, Stan – a classic character now listing off the crimes you are being prosecuted for. Plead not Guilty, then choose to represent yourself. Call your witnesses, Call Balliff Hardtack, then accuse him of lying over and over until he crumbles. Call all the witnesses, then ask for a reccess. Ask your guard for a while to talk to your lawyer. After your dialogue with yourself (technically a monologue), you are free to wander Flotsam Island. Go talk to Stan, about everything, then pick up the Toy he cast aside. Walkthrough to the Club 41 …cutscene…

Inside Club 41 walk to the bar and look at the sign about volcano shots. You recieve the shots and keep one for later. Use one of the empty shot glasses with the skull candle. Look at the Jungle Beast painting too. Outside the bar collect some of the oil dripping from the lanterns in the fore ground Walkthrough to the left, and talk to the Glass-blower, he will give you a glass eye! Walkthrough to DeSinges house and use another cup with the Ooze outside, and use your hook with the cage holding the Magnetic Monkey. Talk to Hemlock about the jungle beast, then walk onto the dock and grab a cup of bacon grease. Walk over to Hemlock and use the broken toy with iron filings on the cats bowl. use the molten glass on the leg lamp outside the glass-blowers house.

Head back to the court room, tell the judge you object, then after he flies into a rage, use the glass eye on him to capture his eye colour. Call Hemlock as a witness, then use the monkey on the paralysed cat. Then use the different colour substances with the leg, until the stain resembles the picture of the scar. Call Krebbs as a witness, and use the leg as evidence. Ask for a recess, talk to your lawyer, give the eye to D’Oro. Head back into the courtroom and call D’Orro as a witness.

Walk to the bar where Morgan and Elaine are fighting. Talk to Kate and use the flirtatious options, when she slaps you, Morgan and Elaine will change fighting position, enabling you to get to the bar. Pick up the two drinks coupons around the bar, and use these with the barman to order drinks.

Elaine and Morgan fight on the bar again and Kate comes back out of the toilet. You can pick up another drinks coupon from the puddle outside the bathroom (it sticks to your foot). Speak to Kate so you can get through to the bar again. Pick the sugar up when it falls. Use the bar coupon to order a new drink which will take the barman longer to fix. Use the summons with the dart board and when they fight on the bar again, talk to Elaine and insult Morgan. …cutscene…

Talk to Elain while she is in the dock, use up all options. Pick up Esponge Grande. …cutscene…

The Maturation of LeSponga Grande

After you see DeSinge fleeing from his house, go inside his house. Talk to LeChuck and the Voodoo Lady to get the receipe. Use the hook on the door that says ‘ARRÊT’. Head out into the jungle …[small cutscene]… Use the sugar on the well, then use one of the legs with the well. Pick up the scrap of paper in the jungle by the skeleton. Walk over to the altar and use the sugary leg with it. Follow the trail of glow flies until you come across the illuminated trail, walkthrough it and you will find the Jungle Beast. Use the leg lamp with the jungle beast then pick up the lions paw (use your Monkey Island irony removing a lions paw from a thorny beast!). Go to the Voodoo Lady’s shack and you’ll see it’s been burned down …cutscene…

After speaking with D’Oro, use the leglamp with the moths walkthrough to Stan ask him about his jacket. Use the leg lamp with moths on Stan then ask him about the LeChuck doll, when he switches it on the moths eat his jacket, pick up what’s left, this is the first ingredient on the list. Head to the bar, and talk to the barman about the Fugu Jolokia. Before you can tame such an intense pepper, you must first go to DeSinges’ house and use the curious helmet device hanging from the ceiling. The first button on the display will numb your tongue. Walkthrough to Club 41, ask about the pepper again. This time use your hook to pick it up and due to your numbness, you’ll win it! Walkthrough to the jungle to the purple icon on the map. Open the map and fold in the corners, then fold it back up again along the sides to form a new map, and follow the map in the new path that’s revealed. Use this map folding to get to the question mark on the map. When you arrive at the question mark, you will see a chest. You can use your hook to open the chest and pick up the Voodoo Lady’s tarrot cards.

Use the items you have in combination with the LeSponga Grande in the order they appear on the Voodoo recipe. For the fifth part, walkthrough to Bar 41 and at the entrance on the inside, walk around on the carpet until Guybrush gets statically charged, then try to leave. …cutscene…

You’ve been captured by DeSinge (oh no!) Use the sugar in the bucket of water, then use the chilly with DeSinge. Talk to DeSinge. After the cutscene, throw the LeSponge Grande in the Vaycalian Wind Machine.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Welcome to another swash buckling adventure in The Curse of Monkey Island Walkthrough, brough to you (as always!) by Michael Wharton and Roger Davies

The Curse of Monkey Island Walkthrough

This fantastic instalment of Monkey Island opens with a huge cut scene, and with guybrush being captured by LeChuck and his henchmen. Pick up the ramrod from the far wall, talk to Wally, suggest he may be wearing a fake beard! Ask him for some pirate literature, he will give you some leaflets. Tell him he is a failure as a pirate, and suggest that he should shoot you!
As predicted, he will wuss out! Pick up Wally’s plastic hook and use cannon to shoot all the boats of the undead! Use the ramrod with the hook, then use this newly created item on Murray. (Talking to him before you do this can be fun!) Hook the bone and pick it up also. Use the cutlass attached to it to cut the tether for the cannon. Use cannon… cutscene…

Explore the capsized ship, pick up the bag of nickels, pick up the diamond ring behind it, use ring on porthole… cutscene….

The Curse Of Monkey Island Walkthrough

PART II : The Curse Gets Worse

Pick up the glowing ember on beach, walkthrough to the town. Talk to the Small Pirate selling Lemonade, he will tell you to check out the swamp. Walkthrough to the swamp on the map and talk to Murray! Pick up the paste and use wooden nickels with the gumball machine, pick up the pin from the voodoo doll on the floor, then pull the tongue of the Alligator’s tongue. Talk to the Voodoo Lady … cutscene…

Ask her where you can find a similar ring. She will tell you to go to get the one from Blood Island. Talk to her some more and she will say you need three things – a ship, a map and a crew. Head to Puerto Pollo and enter the door to the left of the clock. Look at the coat, then pick up the lice you see there. Look at the pocket to reveal a glove, pick it up. Pick up the magic wand from the dresser and use the wand on the magic hat to reveal a book. Pick up the book. Walkthrough to the Barbery coast to the far right. When Guybrush finishes talking, use the lice on the comb. Talk to Angus and ask him for a haircut. Crank the chair up and pick up the paperweight, when Angus disappears for another, crank the chair up as far as it will go, pick up the scissors. Walkthrough to the left to the bushes just before the lemonade stand, read the sign then use the scissors on undergrowth.

After the snake swallows you, pick up the sausage, pancakes, eggs, coffee, pancake syrup, naturalist remains, stuffed Dinghy Dog and the other stuff from it’s belly. Use the Ipecac with the syrup, and use the syrup with the snake. When you find yourself in a sandpit, pick up the thorny bush, use the rock with the balloons then pick up the reed on your right and use the thorn in the reed. Then use your new thorny pee-shooter on the balloon to reach Danjer Cove. Head over to the restaurant, show your reservation slip and Blonde Beird will let you in. Pick up the cutter from the serving hatch, and the serrated knife from the pirates back. Pick up a butter cookie, and eat it to get maggots. Use the maggots with the gross chicken and pick up the clubcard. Give the jawbreaker to Blonde Beird, then give him the jerky gum. When he blows a bubble, pop it with the pin. Pick up his gold tooth. Chew some gum, then use the gold tooth with the gum. Inhale some helium from the balloon, and blow a bubble with the gum. Use the pie pan in the mud puddle to find the gold tooth. Head through the archway in the distance, and use the cutter with the rubber tree. Use the cerrated knife with the saw horse which is holding the keg up, and use ember with trail of rum – big kaboom! Head over to the Barbery Coast and challenge Haggis McMutton to a cabre toss. You will win because you will be using the rubber tree. Talk to Cut-throught Bill and show him the gold tooth. Talk to Edward Van Helgan, ask him to join your crew. Slap him with the glove to duel. Repeat his moves until he breaks into a solo, then pick up the gun pile and use pistol with banjo. … cutscene …

Walkthrough to the Cabana, give the Cabana boy your Membership card. Pick up three towels, use them in the bucket of water. Use wet towels with hot sand, they will alow you to walthrough to the area with the sunbather. Talk to him about blood island. Pick up he cup from his chest. Head over to Puerto Pollo and switch this mug for the bottomless one. When Kenny runs away, pick up the pitcher and use the pitcher in the vat of red dye, then head back over to Cabana and give the mug to the sunbather. Next, pour the pitcher into the bottomless mug and walkthrough to the Cabana. Pick up one more towel and use it in the bucket, then use the wet towl on the Cabana boy. Pick up the cooking oil and walkthrough to Brimstone Beach and pour it on he sunbather. Pick up the map … cutscene …

Head over to Danjer Cove and use the paste with the rubber plug. Use the rubber plug with the boat. Use the boat to sail out to the ship and use serrated knife on the plank. Board the ship and the monkeys will tar and feather you. Walkthrough to Blondebeard’s cafe, and you will end up back on the Sea Cucumber. Use the ventriloquist book on LeChimp. Head back over to the theatre and follow the instructions on the map you obtained from the Sea Cucumber, pressing the corresponding button on the panel. Open the trunk and use the grease on the cannon balls. Walkthrough to the stage and pick up the shovel, use shovel on the ground.

The Curse Of Monkey Island Walkthrough

Part III : Three Sheets to the Wind

The basic aim of this section is to gradually build your repertoire of insults to sling back at the ever-increasingly fearsome pirates. Each time you win, you can upgrade your cannons and eventually you will come face to face with Captain Rottingham. He will give you insults you have never heard, but the answers you have can still be used, if you know which one to choose!

Here is the complete list:

The Curse Of Monkey Island Walkthrough

PART IV : The Bartender, His Wife and Her Lover!

Pick up the bottle from the beach and walkthrough to the Hotel. Talk to the Bartender, ask him for a fruity drink with an umbrella, then talk to the Fortune Teller. Ask her to tell your fortune. Keep doing this five times until you have five death cards. Walkthrough to the back room and pick up the Big Whoop Fridge Magnet. Pick up the cushion from the bar stool, and the recipe book from the Bar (Note the Recipes from Monkey Island 2!). The ingredients for the hangover cure are in the recipe book and you have to go find them! Walkthrough to the map and head to the Cemetery. Feed the maggoty buscuit to the dog and he will bite you! Grab some hair of the dog that bit you. Pick up the hammer and chisel from the grave side. Walkthrough to the Beach, use the mallet with the rubber tree. Pick up the egg. Walk back to the hotel and give all of the ingredients to the Bartender. Head upstairs and into the first door. Use the mallet on the wall in the area which is the opposite side of the portrait on the landing. Walk back onto the landing and pick up the portrait and the nail. Use the portrait on the nearest door, then cut out the face with the scissors. Walk back into the room and look through the porthole. The Bartender will come.

Go back down stairs and pick up the tip jar from the bar. Walk into the store room and use the pick on the cheese wheel. Go back to the Bartender and ask him for a drink, use the pick with the Head-B-Clear, then use the bottle on your drink to spike it. Drink up! … cutscene …

Use the chisel on the coffin to escape, pick up all the coffin nails. Next, use the chisel with the coffin in the centre, and out pops Stan! Walk out of the cemetery and back into Stans talk to Stan and tell him you want to buy an insurance policy. When he asks for collateral, give him the gold pirate tooth. Now walk back to the hotel, and up the stairs. Use Stans business card on the door to let yourself in. Pull the bed, and use the nails to keep it open. Use the spare nail to hold it in place. Pick up the book and read. Walk back to the Bartender and tell him you are a relative. Keep talking with him until he accepts you as a member of the Goodsoup family. Ask for another drink, use the Head-B-Gone in your grog and drink up again!

Waking up in the Goodsoup Family Tomb now, walk to the alter and talk to Ministrone Goodsoup. Walk left and Murray will jump out. Use the paste with the skeleton arm, then use it to pick up the lantern from the other side of the wall. Use Murray on the lantern to scare the guy into letting you free.

Walk back to the hotel and use the crowbar with the wooden boards and the bed. Pick up the death certificate from the back room, and walkthrough the the cemetery. Give it to Stan to claim your insurance.

Walk over to the strange lights (villiage). Pick up the measuring cup. Use the chisel with the block of tofu to carve a mask. Wear the mask and walk over to Lemonhead who will perform a sacrifice with the other cannibals. When the ceremony is finished, throw the unmelted hunk of nacho cheese over the side, the volcano will erupt. Go back to the beach and talk to Haggis, ask for some hand lotion and he will eventually agree to trade for some tar to fix the ship. Head to the Tiki lights outside the hotel again, and use the last hunk of cheese in the pot. Pick up the pot and take it to Haggis.

Walkthrough to the windmill and use the umbrella with the windmill blades to climb up on top. Use the jar with the water, and climb down. Head over to Elaine, and use the hand lotion on her cursed ring. Use pick on the lid to perforate it. Use the jar of sugar water on the stump and wait for the fireflies to enter. Pick up the jar and screw on the lid. Head over to the Lighthouse and place the lantern down and replace the mirror. Walk down to the beach and talk to the mysterious figure. Use the magnet with the pin, then bite the shaving cream lid off. Use the pin with the cork, and fill the measuring cup with sea water. Use the needle & cork in the measuring cup of seawater to create a compass. Give the compass to the Flying Welshman and ask him to take you to Skull Island.
Talk to LaFoot and ask to be lowered down. When you start to fall, use the umbrella in your inventory to land safely in the smugglers cave. You meet two smugglers, who have the ring. They will challenge you to a game of cards, when they deal, switch the five Tarrot cards for your hand. … cutscene … Walkthrough to Elaine and use the ring with her to lift the curse.

The Curse Of Monkey Island Walkthrough

PART V : Kiss of the Spider Monkey

The scene opens with LeChuck talking with Guybrush. You can let this run on, or stop it whenever you like. You can just tell LeChuck to get on with it.
As Little Guybrush…
Talk to Dinghy Dog and ask him to guess your age, when you win, take the anchor. Use the shaving cream with the dish, and put the anchor in it. Place your pie on the pile and ask to guy in the rat outfit to fire the cannon.

Hit Dinghy Dog repeatedly until he bites you and you pick up some of his hair. Walk over to the soda jerk and buy an ice cream. Use the meringue pie and the dog hair on the cone, then pick up the pepper and use this on the code also. Eat up!

The Curse Of Monkey Island Walkthrough

Part VI : Guybrush Kicks Butt Once Again

Jump off in this first Monkey Island scene and pick up the fallen rope. Get off at the next ship scene and pick up the keg of rum.
Get off at the Wally and Guybrush scene from Monkey Island II and open the lantern, blow the flame out.

Finally get off at the snow scene and climb the mountain. Use the oil on the rope, then the rope with the keg to make a fuse. Use the barrel and fuse with the aboniable snowman and head back down. Near the roller coaster, wait for LeChuck to appear, then use the pepper on him to make him snease!

Kaboom!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Jack Straw and Nick Griffin

When Nick Griffin appeared on Question Time on Thursday night, it became painfully clear the BBC and (more specifically) David Dimbleby had made a huge mistake. No, believe it or not they were quite right to feature Nick Griffin as a panellist – they only delivered what the majority of the public wanted. To do otherwise would be to cave in to state-controlled censorship which would be healthy for nobody.

However, for any kind of debate to take place, their must exist a two-way dialogue. Ideas must be exchanged, counter-points raised and evidence presented on both sides to cut through the beef of the argument and allow the viewer to arrive at a conclusion. This was the usual format of Question Time. However, the BBC conspiracy that took place on Thursday the 24th of October fell woefully short of this. They bullied and harassed Nick, firing barrage after barrage of questions at him, allowing him to address less than 1 in 10 of all statements fired at him.

He was allowed to speak around three times in total, quite different treatment than any other politician had received previously. This was no meaningful debate, but a verbal firing squad. ‘Sure’ you might say: ‘We treated Nick Griffin quite differently because he is unlike any other politician that had been invited on the show previously’, but by admission of a secret political agenda for inviting him, not only do you rob the show of any power to genuinely expose Nick and his views, you will also force more moderate people to see the BNP as victims of an unfair system.

Nick was very evasive, contradicting himself and giving some rather odd answers on a few occasions.  I couldn’t help but feel, that they should have given him more rope with which to hang himself.  I was also a little disappointed in Jack Straws performance, not only did he come across as weak, but he refused to accept that Britain had any kind of immigration problem. The immigration battle-cry is one that has won the BNP significant political ground in recent times, and it’s denial is likely to invite further progress by the BNP – at the cost of Labour votes.

I suppose I write this to help the reader see that the extreme-left are the ones actually responsible for facilitating the BNP’s rise to mainstream politics. The demonstrations we saw outside the BBC buildings represent left-wing extremists forcing their views upon other citizens, telling them what they can or cannot watch. Perhaps ironically, they become the very fascism they claim to fight.  In doing so, they will alienate themselves from the moderates of Britain and risk further promoting the BNP as a mainstream political party.  Ultimately, it was the viewer to whom the greatest disservice was delivered.  Nick Griffin now calls for it to be done again, what will your next moves be?

I cannot pretend to know everything about Aspergers Syndrome, but I know enough to understand how much more difficult this ordeal will be for Garry and how much more sickening it must be for his mother. My blood boils to think that our country would willingly abandon one of it’s more vulnerable members in this way.

Last night, Garrys mother Janis Sharp was quoted saying in an interview:

When we vote someone in to protect our rights, we don’t expect this to happen.

French stand up for the French, Americans stand up for Americans.

No other country in the world would so readily offer its citizens to the US as sacrificial lambs to safeguard a ‘special political relationship’.

To use my desperately vulnerable son in this way is despicable, immoral and devoid of humanity. I’ve fought for five years to protect him and I’m not about to give up.

My heart goes out to her because I realised that this is no ordinary extradition, but that Gary simply got too close to the truth. That the same secret international clique who maintains control over Britain and American politics, the same clique that lead us to War in Iraq, this same clique who organize extraordinary rendition, while our politicians tell us no such thing exists, this same clique who arrange cover-ups of excessive expenses in by British Members of Parliament, that this very same clique that is in place to keep people like you and me from realising what is actually happening, is now coming for Gary.

Were this any ordinary situation, the logical course of action would be to get Gary on the payroll of Scotland Yards Computer Crime Division.

But then, this is no ordinary extradition.

Avast! It’s Monkey Island time again, with Michael Wharton and Roger Davies at the helm, bringing you the latest Tales of Monkey Island – Lair of the Leviathan Walkthrough. As always, keep your seat upright, store all luggage in the overhead lockers, and beware!! Thar be spoilers ahead!

This great episode opens with a huge cutscene, a recap on Guybrush’s recent adventure and how he ended up in the Lair of the Leviathan! After the initial cutscene, walk towards the camera, towards the settlement and talk to De Cava. Give him the locket and talk to him some more, walkthrough to Winslow who is taking care of Morgan Le Flay. After telling Winslow you need Morgan to pass as your wife, pick up her wrists to feel her pulse, then pick up her sword, then pick up her boots. Walk around to the back of the ship, and climb the mast to the crows nets and pick up the earwax. Use it on Morgan to wake her up, take her to De Cava and tell him you met through work, answer his question by remembering things about Morgan Le Flay.  Walkthrough to the stomach and talk to De Cava’s crewe. Pick up the grub next to the bongo player Noogie. Take the grub back to De Cava and give it to him. Talk to Morgan Le Flay, talk to Noogie and tell him you can get him a date with Morgan. Read the new members manual you got from Bugeye.

Lair of the Leviathan Walkthrough – In the Belly of the Manatee

Tell Morgan to go on a RECON mission with Noogie, tell her to interrogate, then test the grip, then check for weapons with him (first dates, huh?).  Challenge Bugeye to a face-off, after losing, pickup the picture of Guybrush that Morgan dropped (near the bongo area). Walkthrough to the area with the three weird tubes, checkout the figurehead of the scary monkey on the ship, use your hook hand with the treasure chest in that area to find Murray the Talking Skull inside! Talk to the bar pirate Moose, propose a toast to any occasion, and while he is drinking, use the sword with Santino, switch Murray with his skull.

Talk to everyone saying “ARRR!” and you will learn a new pirate face from each one. Then, go up to De Cava, who will ask you to get him a drink and give you his mug. Talk to the bongo player Noogie, and ask him to play something with a higher tempo. Walk to the pool of bile using the weird tubes in the ground and use the mug with the bile. Use the mug of bile with the painting, to reveal yet another scary face to add to your repertoire. Repeat this process to get another mug of bile, use this with the clogged tube (this will unclog it). Go through the tube and open the iron monkey pick up the torture manual inside. Walkthrough to De Cavas camp, wait for him to put down his glasses and pick them up. Combine the glasses with the Eye of the Manatee, and give them back to De Cava. Give him a mug of bile. Use torture manual (you picked up from the iron monkey) with the new members manual. Next, give the disguised torture manual to Murray. This will guarantee you his vote (and of course Mooses!). Go to Bugeye and challenge him to a face off again, try to remember which faces you’ve used, and which faces he’s used. Avoid using any part of a move he’s used and you will win. Then ask him to call a vote. You will now receive the Cochlea of the Manatee.  Walkthrough to your ship and round the back, pick up the Seahorse head. Walkthrough back to the crows nest and replace the Cochlea in the area marked wound. Talk to Le Flay as you run around until she agrees to help, remember to give her sword back. (cutscene)

Lair of the Leviathan Walkthrough – On the Deck of the Screaming Narwhal

Guybrush dives down in a scene that pays homage to a scene from Monkey Island II : Le Chucks Revenge. Open the chest and you pick up the golden spanner, 6000 doubloons and a knock off crown. Head back to the boat by going to the anchor. Go up to De Cava and read the crew’s files, copy the face of Noogie’s biggest fear ‘The Nun’, use the face with Noogie and he will tell you that he doesn’t have the tongue of the Manatee. Talk to Bugeye and he will immediately tell you he doesn’t have it either! Ask Morgan to borrow her sword, pick the fish flapping around on the deck. Use the sword with Murray and Moose will tell you that he had the Tongue of the Manatee (and that it is – in fact – in the belly of the Manatee you were in). Go back to De Cava at the wheel and look at the locket. Use the golden spanner on the wheel in the middle, then use the picture of Guybrush that Morgan dropped earlier. Push the button for an out of body experience!

[As the Voodoo Lady] : Use the Tarrot Cards on the table in front of you. First, order them Marquis, the Adventurer, then the Voodoo Lady and press the bell. (cutscene). Talk to Le Singe, be sure to ask about the manatee language book. After he leaves, order the cards :- Guybrush, Voodoo Lady, Le Singe. (cutscene) After Le Singe gives you the book, examine it, then use the tarrot cards : Voodoo, Marquis, Guybrush. When you are back in your own body, use the plank, use the seahorse head on the Manatee, go to the bongos and use the fish with the bongos, walkthrough to the bile pool and pick up the Tongue of the Manatee. Use the Manatee Lax with the bile pool, then use the Tongue of the Manatee on the Giant Manattee. When talking to the female Manatee, try to answer her questions as well as possible (this may take a few tries, but you can always try again!). Look though all the phrases, to find one that suits the best. When the Manatees go off on their date, dive back down to the cave, and grab Esponge Grande. Back on your ship, you get acosted in another cutscene!

When in the cage, give morgan her sword. Try to grab the rope above you, this will lower your cage and raise Morgans so that Morgan can now cut the rope with her sword if you talk to her. While being shot at, click on the mast. When they fire, it bounces back, and takes out their canon. Quickly use the seahorse head with the cannon and fire!  This brings us to the end of the Lair of the Leviathan walkthrough.

[To Be Continued...]

Welcome to another fantastic installment of the (now infamous!) Michael Wharton and Roger Davies Monkey Island Walkthroughs … this time on a voyage through Monkey Island 2 : LeChucks Revenge walkthrough. As with the first game, we start with an elaborate cutscene with Guybrush recounting his previous adventures.

PART I : The Largo Embargo – Monkey Island 2 Walkthrough

Largo LeGrande will mug Guybrush on the bridge, after he has gone pick up the shovel from the sign, walkthrough to Wally the Cartographer (2nd door on the right). Talk to Wally about Big Whoop, and when he has finished, take his monacle from the table when he puts it down to rub his eyes. Pick up pieces of paper from the desk closest to you and walkthrough to the end of the path (distance) and talk to the three pirates on the ship. Talk to them until they ask you to buy some polish from the Woodsmith for one of the pirates’ wooden leg, and he’ll give you one piece of eight. Pick up the bucket on the left (the pirate will protest, but will let you have it). Walkthrough to the carpenters (door to the right of Wally’s) and buy the polish. Walk back to the three pirates and polish the pirates wooden leg. He gives you one piece of eight for your trouble. Walkthrough to the to right and onto the map, walk to the beach and pick up the stick from beneath the tree. Head back to the map, and over to the swamp to the East. Use the bucket with the swamp, and use the coffin, paddle to the right and underneath the skull, you’ll be brought into the Voodoo Ladie’s hut. Pick up the string on the table on the left as you arrive and walkthrough to the right.

Talk to the Voodoo lady, about LeGrande and the Voodoo doll, she gives you a recipe. Walkthrough to the cemetery and up the hill (in the distance) use the shovel on the grave marked LeGrande, Guybrush will pick up a bone fragment. Walkthrough to Woodtick, sneak in the rear window of the ship nearest your perspective and into the kitchen, pickup the knife from the table. Walkthrough to the hotel on the left where LeGrande is staying, use the knife on the rope that is tethering the lizard, and he will run away with the concierge chasing after. Pick up the cheesy squiggles that are in his bowl, walk into Largo’s Room. Pick up toupee, close the door and use the bucket of mud on the closed door, then hide behind the screen on the left. Largo will come in (brief cutscene) walkthrough to Marty’s laundry (another brief cutscene).

Open the box on the left, use the stick on the box, use the string with the stick and use the cheesy squiggles with the box. Pull the string when the rat starts to eat the cheesy squiggles (this may take a few tries!). Walk back to Largo’s room, and take the laundry ticket from the back of the door (you will have to close it first). Walk back to Marty’s and give him the ticket, he will give you a bra. Walkthrough to the bar, (brief cutscene) Use piece of paper from the Wallys on Largo’s spit on the wall. Head back to the swamp, give the ingredients to the Voodoo Lady and walkthrough to Woodtick and to Largo’s Room. Use the pins with the voodoo doll. Walk back to Woodtick and sneak into the kitchen by the rear window again, put the rat in the soup and go back round to the front of the bar. Order some soup from the bartender (cutscene). Talk to the barman and tell him you’re interested in cooking, tell him you’ll take the job as cook. He’ll give you 420 pieces of eight now walkthrough to the Peninsula, to charter a ship from Captain Dread, when he talks about his navigator, give him Wally’s monacle and set sail.

PART II : The Four Map Pieces – Monkey Island 2 Walkthrough

Pick up the parrot chow on the deck of Dread’s ship, walk inside and talk to Dread, navigate to Phatt Island. Guybrush immediately gets arrested and interrogated by the governor of Phatt Island (Aptly named Phatt!). When you’re alone in your cell, pull back the mattress and pick up the stick from underneath it. Use the stick through the bars on the skeletons leg in the adjacent cell, use the bone on Walt the dog. Pick up the key that he drops and use the key on the cell door. Pick up the Gorilla and Manilla envelopes from the cabinet and open both, you’ll get the banana, organ and all your stuff back. Walkthrough to the ally on the left of the library (brief cutscene). Follow the gambler to the next alley way along. When he leaves, knock on the door and ask what the next number will be. The password is simply the first number of fingers he holds up, do this three times. Go back around and place a bet using the number he gave you, repeat this until you have all of the prizes – the money, the party invitation and the holiday. Walkthrough to the library, open the model lighthouse by the door and take the lens.

Go to the card catalogue and choose a random book, also take out ‘The Joy of Hex’ and ‘Great Shipwrecks of Our Century’, the librarian will give you a temporary library card (it doesn’t matter what details you give her, just say that you’re over 21). Walk back to governor Phatt’s mansion, tell the guard inside that there is a fire in the kitchen, then go up the stairs. Switch books with the one on Phatts belly (Indiana Jones style), using the random book you picked up from the library. Walkthrough to the dock and navigate to Booty Island, enter the shop on the left. There are several items you can’t buy, but several you can. Not all items are necessary, but it is just fun to own them! The ones you need are the ship’s horn, saw and mirror (on the wall by the parrot) to get this, hang the parrot chow on the wall so the parrot turns. Leave and talk to Captain Kate Capsize, take a leaflet from her. Navigate to Phatt Island, use the leaflet with the wanted poster, exit the screen (cutscene). Go inside the Gaol, pick up the vanilla envelope from the desk, then use the key in the cell to release Kate. Navigate to Scabb Island, and use the saw on the peg-leg of the pirate you polished earlier. Walkthrough to the woodsmith’s (he’ll be busy dealing with the emergency repair job), pick up his hammer and nails and head to Booty Island, go into Stan’s Previously Owned Coffins, ask him to show you a coffin, he’ll get inside to show you how comfy it is. Use the hammer and nails on the coffin, then pick up the crypt key from behind his desk. Navigate to Scabb Island, go to the cemetery, use the key on the tomb with the cross on top of it, and look at your book of famous pirate quotations that you lifted from Governor Phatt. Remember what Rapp Scallion said in the book, and look at all the coffins.

Find the one with his quote on it, open it and pick up some ashes. Walkthrough to the swamp, to the Voodoo Lady’s hut, look at the jars on the left, and pick up the one labelled ‘Ashes-To-Life‘  (cutscene) and give the ‘Joy of Hex’ to the Voodoo Lady. Walkthough to the cemetry, and use the Ashes-To-Life with Rap Scallions remains. Talk to him until you offer to check the gas for him, he gives you a key for the shack by the beach, walkthrough to the beach and use the key with the door of the shack, go inside and turn the gas off. Walkthrough to the cemetry, use the Ashes-To-Life on his remains again and he’ll give you a map piece!

Walkthrough to the bar in Woodtick, talk to the bar man and order some grog, showing him your library card as ID. Order all three drinks he offers you. Use the banana with the metronome on the piano, and pick up the hypnotised monkey Jojo. Head back to Booty Island and walkthrough to the far right where the spitting contest is. Blow the ships horn and when everbody looks around, pick up the flags and Guybrush will rearrange them. Use the yellow drink with the blue drink and use the crazy straw on the newly created green drink (Guybrush will say it makes his spit thick). Talk to the guy running the spitting contest, wait for the ladies’s sash to blow in the wind and spit at the same time. You win the plaque, take the plaque to the man in the antiques shop and tell him it’s worth a mint, because it is the spit of the guy who killed LeChuck, he’ll give you 6000 pieces of eight. Walkthrough to the costume shop and give the shopkeeper your invite and he’ll give you a costume. Walk through to the gate before the governers mansion, tell the guard you are here for the party and have an invitation and costume. Enter the mansion, picking up the map piece from above the mantle.

Try to leave, the old man stops you and takes you to Elaine, use the soppy options when talking with her, (cutscene). Walk round the back of the mansion, push the trash can, the cook will chase you. If you push it three or more times he will follow you around the mansion. Do this until he chases you around the whole mansion and enter his kitchen. Pickup the fish from the table, then walk back around to the front and pick up Guybrush the dog. Navigate back to Phatt island, talk to the fisherman from the dock, tell him you are a mighty fisherman and challenge him to a contenst. After this conversation give him the fish you took from the kitchen earlier, he will eventually give you his prize winning pole. Navigate to Booty Island and to the cliffs where the map piece landed. Use the fishing pole to retrieve the map piece. Head back to Elaine’s mansion and pick up the oar from her bedroom wall. Walk to the big tree in the North East of Booty Island, use the oars with the tree and climb the tree until the top oar breaks (trippy cutscene). Head to Scabb Island and give the broken oar to the carpenter to fix, head back to the big tree and climb up to the top. Pick up the telescope from the upper tree house, enter the middle one and use Guybrush the Dog on the pile of paper. You get another map piece!!

Walk back to Phatt Island and head to the waterfall on the West, walk up the side and use Jojo on the tap. Walk down and into the newly discovered gaping hole, follow the tunnel to the cottage and head up to talk to the guy in the cottage and challenge him to a drinking contest. Once he has poured your mug of grog, use it on the plant pot on the far left of the scene, then use the near grog in your mug. You will then win the drinking contest!! Pick up the mug, use the mirror from the antiques shop with the picture frame in the cottage, open the shutters on the near window, and use the telescope on the grotesque statue outside, and note the brick you need to push (the one where the light falls), go inside and push the brick. If you press the right one, you should end up in a hidden cellar, with a skeleton holding yet another map piece!!

Read the book ‘Great Shipwrecks of Our Time’, make note of last known co-ordinates of The Mad Monkey, go back to Kate on Booty Island, charter her ship. Go to the co-ordinates from the book and dive down to the Mad Monkey. Take the figurehead, and use the anchor, Kate will raise you back to the surface. Go back to the antique shop and give the Monkey Head to Mad Marty, who will give you the final map piece!

Head back to Scabb Island and give the lighthouse lens to Wally, along with the map pieces. He’ll ask you to pick up his love potion from the Voodoo Lady. Walkthrough to the swamp and get the potion from her, she will tell you LeChuck is kidnapping Wally, when you get back to Wally’s you’ll find he has indeed been kidnapped by LeChuck. Pickup paper, and walk back to the swamp, open the crate. Use the crate and Guybrush will climb inside.

PART III : LeChucks Fortress – Monkey Island 2 Walkthrough

(cutscene) Walk up the stairs, towards the signs that point in lots of different directions, then walk into the alcove with the signs and turn right (inside the alcove). You come into a new room, with various skeletal parts on the wall. Look at the lyrics to the song that your ghost parents sang you, they will be written down no a piece of paper in your possession. The lyrics run “The X bone is connected to the Y bone”, “The Y bone is connected to the Z bone”, find the skeletal door which has X Y and Z shown in that order (from top to bottom). Push the door and walk through, do this again and again until you reach a new room, push the big door and you will see a small door appear within it. Walkthrough the door and pick up the Voodoo Key to the cells (cutscene).

You’ve now been captured by LeChuck (Oh No! Game Over!) Use the crazy straw in the green drink (remember the thick spit?), spit on the shield on the right, and keep doing this (it will change angle each time) until you put out the candle. (cutscene)

Open the goodie bag the fortune teller gave you, you get matches and some other things. Use the book of matches (cutscene with a BOOOOM!).

PART IV : Dinky Island – Monkey Island 2 Walkthrough

On the beach, pick up the bottle (that’s half in and out of the ocean), pick up the crowbar and the the martini glass, open the barrel and Guybrush picks up a cracker. Give the cracker to the parrot. Walk into the jungle and head left until you come to a tree with a bag hanging from it. Use the crowbar on the bottle, then use the broken bottle on the bag. Pick up the box of cracker mix, and walkthrough the jungle and head right, pick up the rope on the box by the pond, use the crowbar on the box and pick up the dynamite inside. Walkthrough to the beach, and use the Martini glass with the ocean. Use the Martini glass of water, in the still. Use the distilled water with the cracker mix. Give the two crackers to the parrot, and listen to his directions. Follow them until you come to the X, use the shovel on the X until Guybrush hits cement. Use the matches on the dynamite, and use the dynamite on the hole (BOOM! Lots of explosions in this game!). Use the rope with the crowbar, use the crowbar and rope with the twisted bars above the platform on your right (cutscene).

You find yourself in a darkened room. Scan the walls for a light switch (it should be on the right of the screen), once you’ve switched on the light switch, pick up the ticket from the remains of the treasure chest (cutscene). During your confrontation with LeChuck, he will transport you around the tunnels and you’ll appear in a random place in the underground tunnels.

In The First Aid Room (Furtherst Right)

Pick up the skull of one of your parents, open the drawer on the right and pick up the syringe, look at the bin and pick up the gloves from inside.

In The Store Cupboard (Full of Boxes)

Open all the boxes you can and pick up :- root beer, balloon and a pirate doll.

In The Room with the Grog Machine

Use the gloves and the balloon with the helium tank (if you use them while full of helium, you start to sing the Beegees!). Push the coin return button on the Grog machine, and a coin will roll out. Leave it where it lands, and when LeChuck confronts you in this room, he will bend over to pick it up. Grab LeChucks underpants when he bends over to pick up the coin (Yuk!)

When confronted again by LeChuck, give him the complementary handkerchief you were given by Stan (again, gross!). Walkthrough to the elevator (now you are carrying helium, you are light enough to use it!). Wait for LeChuck to appear then use the lever, trapping LeChucks beard in the door.

Use the crispy beard bits, the doll, the underwear, the handkerchief and the skull with the goodie bag. Now you have a voodoo doll to fight back with!! Wait for LeChuck to attack you, and use the hyperdermic syringe with the voodoo doll of LeChuck. Do what you like, but twisting his leg will kill him!! (cutscene) See you next time!!

To be continued! ….

We have seen how social networking in particular has shaped international events by giving journalists a lifeline in places that information is not always free.  In fact, the British military have begun using SEO to fight terrorism.  In a world where information is king, the Internet is poised to become more central to all of our lives.

Whether you run an online shop, a personal blog or perhaps a special project of your own, you are sure to find tips on search engine optimisation that will keep you up to date with the Twitterati.

Make sure your ideas are the loudest!

For those who only know Alan Turning through computer science history books, he was the Manchester based mathematician and computer scientist who helped break the Germans enigma code and ultimately helped us win the war. Tragically, both his work and his life were destroyed when the British authorities discovered he was ‘sexually insane’.

I use this term, to give the reader a feeling of the thought processes behind the decisions that were made at the time. Some have suggested that an apology at this stage would be meaningless, and I actually agree. Unless we know exactly what we are apologising for, we may as well not bother! Now we openly recognise and respect boys who like the company of other boys, or girls who like other girls. Back then, these people would have been considered sexually insane and would have been ‘treated’ in hospitals and with ‘therapy’. There was no desire to understand or recognise him for who he was, instead he was chemically castrated and forced to undergo other therapy.

The apology should not be because he was gay, and that we treated him badly because of it.  This would only serve to ensure we did not learn anything from the experience.  No – the apology should come because we did not seek understanding as to why he was different, and did not respect the fact that his tastes were different in ways that did not discount the work he did as a mathematician, nor the contributions he made to society. We must not lose sight of the fact that sexuality is an area we are only just starting to understand today, and that our knowledge in this area is still developing.

What started as gay rights, marches and pride demonstrations years ago, has expanded to become the gay, lesbian, bi and transgendered groups. In some places this has already moved further forward to include : gay, lesbian, bi, transgendered, intersexed and asexuals.  Our attention should not be spent focusing on embarrassing history that cannot be changed by willpower, but on making today a better place by respecting even those we don’t necessarily understand, just as we didn’t understand Turing.

I have heard gay people say horrid things about transgendered people. I have heard transgendered people say bad things of asexuals. Crimes still go on today, especially in particular parts of the world.  Even in The West, when a baby is born intersexed and the parents are encouraged by the doctor or by the state to make a difficult decision to make ‘it’ more ‘normal’. When – the reality is – that no decision needs to be made at this stage.

The things that make us different, also make us special. Try selling water on the streets and see just how much people would be willing to pay. Water is worthless because 70% of the Earths surface is covered in the stuff! Naturally occurring diamonds are much rarer, and are therefore worth a great deal.  It is strange how this equation seems to work in reverse when we apply it to human sexuality. This is what I believe we need to work at, not at hollow apologies for things which cannot be undone.

If like me you adored the game Portal and loved Half Life, then I the idea of using the Portal Gun in Half Life 2 must seem like a wet dream. Well, I got news for you … this is no dream! You can quite easily and quickly hack Half Life 2 to play with the Portal Gun. Here’s how…

Proceed with caution : While this is a fairly straight forward operation, I nor valve can be held responsible for anything that goes wrong. Please follow instructions carefully.

N.B. Be sure to back up everything from your ‘Steam\SteamApps\Portal’ Folder!!!

• Firstly, download and install GCFScape if you don’t have it already.
• Run GCFScape and click File » Open and locate your Steam folder (For instance, C:\Program Files\valve\Steam\SteamApps\ and select the file ‘half-life 2 content.gcf’
• Right Click on the hl2 folder, and extract this folder to the <VALVE FOLDER>\Steam\SteamApps\<username>\Portal\Portal folder (for instance, mine is C:\Program Files\valve\Steam\SteamApps\fraj\Portal\Portal
• Follow the same step as above with the reslists folder, extracting to the same \SteamApps\Portal\Portal folder.

You should now be able to start Portal and you will have successfully imported all the Half Life 2 content and levels. Be sure to start the program with -dev -console parameters, (set these by right-clicking on Portal in your My Games section, then clicking properties and ‘Set Launch Options…’. When you start the game press the twiddle key ~ to bring up the console, and enter: sv_cheats 1 (this will activate cheats).

You should now be able to use the command MAP <mapname> to begin any of the Half Life 2 levels with the Portal Gun! (to give yourself all weapons and ammo, use impulse 101 – this is important because of course Half Life 2 does not contain the Portal Gun normally!).  For instance : Try “map d1_canals_01″

The complete list of Half Life 2 Level codes are as follows:

In effect, what you have done, is to import all your Half Life 2 content and levels into Portal. It is a little buggy, but loads of fun. Enjoy!

From Cave Paintings to Google Searching the Internet

Since cave paintings began, humans have exhibited this unique desire to connect with each other and share ideas. This is perhaps one thing above all else that sets us apart from the beasts, and I often wonder if the Internet simply provides an ultra evolved extension of this same pass time. It was a recent post by my friend Michael Wharton about The Church of Google that had me thinking :- If humanities knowledge is a computer system, then Google, Social Networking and the Internet might be better described as the heuristic, control bus or selection process, responsible for connecting, sharing and interbreeding the appropriate ideas between people.  Interestingly, Google are against proposition 8, which is nice to know.

Google as God?

Just as creatures evolve, I like to think that ideas evolve too and – likewise – the means we use to express these ideas must grow to facilitate this expansion. Realising that caves make a pretty lousy means of broadcasting, the humans invent paper which turned out to be much more portable and allowed these ideas to travel more freely. Then came radio and television which would quickly come to decide wars and inform the public about the world at large. The Internet is different in one important aspect – that we get some choice over our intellectual diet.

Could Google be thought of as God? I certainly don’t think this idea is as crazy as it must sound, given the inherent importance of language and communication to all human civilisations. Nothing changes the fact that Google is a collection of distributed computers that run code and have access to a massive database. It is a working masterpiece of form and function, but is certainly not a deity in the classical sense.  But – perhaps like evolution – this is because our beliefs were wrong.

Google – Catalyst of the Human Condition

Nara is one of my all time favourite Japanese cities, packed full with national treasures and ancient temples. Like many throughout Southeast Asia, Tōdaiji (東大寺) temple in Nara has Kongorikishi (金剛力士) or Niō (仁王) at the gates. These are two guardians, the left is known as Naraen Kongō (那羅延金剛) and has it’s mouth in an “a” position (Agyō 阿形), symbolising the birth of all things. (Like our Alphabet, the Japanese consider ‘a’ to be the first letter of the alphabet). The right one is known as Misshaku Kongō (密迹金剛) having it’s mouth in an n or m position (last letter of the alphabet), known as Ungyō (吽形) – symbolising the death of all things. Amazingly, a similar analogy exists for life and death in Christian civilisation with Alpha (A) and Omega (Ω) – the first and last letters of the classical Greek alphabet (Book of Revelation verses 1:8, 21:6, and 22:13) :

Revelation verses 1:8
“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come…
Revelation verses 21:6
…“I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End”…

But why is language so important that many cultures measure their very existence against it? Language shapes our beliefs about the world, and affects our behaviour. It is used to document our journey of self discovery and what is left behind after we are gone will form pieces of a jigsaw that will ultimately come to define us.

The truth is, when it comes to subjects like birth and death, we develop all kinds of elaborate beliefs in an attempt to find meaning for something which is only temporary.  It predisposes us to fixate on where we came from – how we got here, and where we are going.  We become search.  From a young age we learn to start asking questions.  Google aims to match you up with someone who (it believes) has the answers.  Ideas that would have been limited by geographical borders, by culture or by language can now be almost totally free.

I suppose I would see Google as a catalyst of the human condition.  Whatever our creators intended for us, whatever purpose our lives serve, or whatever it is that separates us from the animals … Google and the Internet help us do it better!

Welcome to another fantastic installment of Tales of Monkey Island, this time – The Siege of Spinner Cay Walkthrough is brought to you by myself and my awesome sidekick Michael Wharton without which none of this would have been possible! First, the customary:

Warning : Spoilers Ahoy!

Guybrush Threepwood – Mighty Pirate, Tales of Monkey Island, Siege of Spinner Cay Walkthrough

We pick up with Guybrush on the deck of the Screaming Narwhal after he has just been confronted by Morgan Le Flay (pirate hunter), and we begin to sword fight.  During the sword fight, talking to Morgan causes Guybrush to change position on the ship.  Do this until you are in a position near the Navigation Map where there’s a seagull pecking at your zombified hand.  Pick up the hook next to the seagull, and talk to Morgan again until you are up on the top deck by the steering wheel.  Use the hook on the cable overhead, you are now sword fighting on the mast, click on the rope by the barrel of fish and you’ll cut it with your sword.  Talk to Morgan again until you are back at the steering wheel, click the wheel and you’ll kick it with your foot (the ship will list sideways and the barrel of fish will slide accross the boom).  Talk to Morgan again until you are beside the Navigation Map, click the seagull and you will shoo it away.  It will land on the bucket of fish and pick out the red herring Cutscene…

Tales of Monkey Island – The Siege of Spinner Cay Waklthrough : Jerkbait Islands

After the cutscene, navigate to Jerkbait Island by clicking it on the Navigation Map. On the dock you meet your first Vacaylian mer-person, Anemone, talk to them.  From the dock walkthrough to the Royal Chamber where Elaine will greet you.  Talk to the group about all options available, then ask Elaine to talk privately, she will give you an all day pass for the raft you saw back at the dock by Anemone.  Come down the stairs, and on your way past, click on the statue at the bottom and you will take out the eye.  Walkthrough to the right through the tunnel, and you’ll appear at the top.  Talk to the Anemone at the Bait and Repair shop and ask them to repair your mast, when it’s done, pick up the bucket beside the waterfall.  Walkthrough to the dock and give Anemone the travel ticket, you can now use the raft to get to Spoon Isle.  On Spoon Isle, talk to the Argueing Pirates, ask them to co-operate and encourage them to have a staring contest.  When they are staring at each other distract them and put the pyrite parrot inside their chest, while they are looking in opposite directions.  To find where they buried the treasure, go back to Spinner Cay, board the Screaming Narwhal and navigate to the three small Islands you can visit which are Isle of Ewe, Boulder Bay and Brillig Island. Walkthrough each of them until you hear the Pyrite Parrot calling out that he is – in fact – Guybrush Threepwood. Cutscene…

Now return to Spinner Cay and get back on the raft, take it across to Spoon Isle and walkthrough the jungle.  Exploring in every direction you will find many landmarks to navigate by, including a Fishing Well which will have a coupon on top of it for the Bait Shop.  Walkthrough the jungle until you come across Le Chuck.  He will be trying to figure out another puzzle.  Walk over to the cliff edge, there is another coupon in this scene, pick it up and walkthrough to the beach.  Take the raft across to Spinner Cay, take the coupons to the Bait Shop and give them to Anemone.  You will receive a giant oyster and some fish eggs, examine the oyster and you will find a giant pearl.  Walkthrough to the dock and take the raft back to Spoon Isle, walkthrough the jungle to Le Chuck and give him the pearl.  Unfortunately he is too simple to work out what to do with it, so you’re going to have to instruct him to use the pearl with the Claw Thingy then to use the it with the clam lock.  He will eventually figure out that you have to do the same with your Vacaylian key in the other clam shell lock.  An altar will appear, pick up the pry bar on the front of the altar and use it on the

Siege of Spinner Cay Navigation Map

Turtle.  You are too weak to shift it so go talk to Le Chuck, give him the pry bar Cutscene…

Visit the small Island North of Spinner Cay called Roe Island.  In De Cava’s hut, put the locket in the hole in the Manatee on the wall.  A small piece of paper will come out of it’s mouth, pick it up.  Use the Fisheye Lense with the Eye of The Manatee then use this on the paper (to do this, drag both items on to the left hand panel and click the + symbol… which was confusing to me at first!!!).  Go back to Spinner Cay and walkthrough from the dock to the other jetty which will lead you to the Library.  Talk to Tetra the librarian and ask for the book “101 Fish Jokes” (I’m not sure but there probably is 101 jokes in the book! Have fun finding out! lol)  Inside the book will be a coupon, take this to Anemone at the Bait shop and exchange it for more bait as before.  Walkthrough to the dock and take the raft back to Spoon Isle, go to the Fishing Well and use the hook with the glowing bait and you will receive the grumpy fish! Cutscene…

Walktrough to the library where you will find Elaine trapped under masonry.  Talk to her and pick up the masonry, after talking with Elaine, she will leave, pick up the Glowing Coals with the bucket.  Go to the Royal Chamber and pick up the hot tub control, then walkthrough to the dock and take the raft to Spoon Isle again.  Walkthrough the jungle to the Vacaylian Barbecue, use the bucket of Hot Coals with it, then use the hot tub controls with it.  Place the Pyrite Parrot on top of the Barbecue and it will melt into the pot and you will automatically pick it up.  Walkthrough to the area where you first encountered Le Chuck and pour the molten Pyrite over the cliff onto the Altar below (if you try to walk the long way around, it will set too quickly!).  Walkthrough the jungle to the pirates confronting Le Chuck and use the Fake Turtle Artifact with Le Chuck.  Cutscene…

Siege of Spinner Cay Map - Tales of Monkey Island

Talk to Le Chuck, and tell him Elaine’s plan (or YOUR plan!!), then walkthrough to the beach and get on the raft and head South through the Blockade. Talk to the pirates and to Elaine and you will sneak through.  Travel to Brillig Island and you will find two pirates looking for their treasure, talk to them and say that you think you spotted it poking out under the Rubber Tree (it will appear as palm tree until you click on it, but it is the paler tree, closest to where you landed!).  They will dig through the roots, so you can now use the pry bar to push it over.  Go and confront McGillicutty.  Your cannon is ineffective so talk to McGillicutty and insult him until he fires at your ship, this will break your mast.  Go back to Spinner Cay and get it repaired again (tell  that you have found a more suitable tree).  Go back to McGillicutty and get him to fire at your ship again Cutscene…

Go back to the Jerkbait Islands and go to the Royal Chamber and talk to the MerLeader,  give them the artifacts and you will receive them back as a ball of artifacts.  Follow the instructions you are given, walkthrough to the dock and throw the ball of artifacts into the ocean.  Cutscene…

Once at sea, Morgan will board your ship again.  Talk to her and call her bluff!

[Big Ol' Stonking Cutscene...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Guybrush on a desert island

Jerkbait Islands

The Blind Statue

Guybrush and LeChuck face off

The arguing pirates

Guybrush outside the De Cava's hut

Hello, and welcome to the first in a series of Apache HOWTO’s, packed with neat tips and tricks that allow you to get the most out of Apache on the Web. Whether you host your website yourself or pay for your hosting, there will be magic spells and potions in here for everyone! This issue covers a bit of the directory configuration permissions in httpd.conf, how to allow or deny access to a folder by IP address, how to password protect a folder, or setup a 301 redirect or even to tell Apache to process .css and .html documents with PHP!

Apache’s httpd.conf – Configuration File for HTTP Demon

If you run Linux, httpd.conf is usually located in /etc/httpd/conf/httpd.conf, or if you are using something like WAMP for Windows or MAMP for the Mac you will find it in the root of the program folder.

httpd.conf tells Apache how to behave, you tell it what port to listen to and what folders on your computer to serve out on which domains. You can specify a folder using the <directory> tag and give it a series of options. Here is an example snippet from the roger-davies.net www entry in httpd.conf:

<Directory “c:/wamp/www/”>
Options Indexes FollowSymLinks
AllowOverride all
Order Deny,Allow
Allow from all
</Directory>

If you specify Indexes, Apache will list the directory contents of folders which have no index file (index.html, default.html, index.php, default.asp, etc).  Otherwise you will likely get an error 403 – forbidden.  FollowSymLinks tells Apache to show and follow symbolic links from this directory.  There are other neat options, and having AllowOverride in the httpd.conf allows you to specify which of these options can be overridden with an .htaccess file.

For example, let’s say I wanted to give access to all files and folders from http://www.roger-davies.net, I would have the httpd.conf part as above. But I wanted to then block all access to the folder http://www.roger-davies.net/private from all IP addresses accept my own.

Not many hosts will allow you access to your httpd.conf  (unless you’re lucky enough to have a virtual private server) but most good hosting accounts will still allow many of these options to be overridden using the .htaccess for your website!

Using .htaccess to Override httpd.conf Settings in Apache, Deny or Allow Access by IP Address

No problem! You can override this default setting (Allow from All) by having an .htaccess file placed in the folder /protected which contains:

Order Deny,Allow
Deny from All
Allow from 81.97.62.218

The .htaccess file will affect the current folder it is in, and all sub-folders, but not the parent. This gives you a good way of creating ‘rotected areas’ within your site.  Order denotes which way around these rules should be applied. Order Deny,Allow tells Apache that you will specify which IP addresses to deny before specifying who has permission to access these files.  The above example is just ‘let nobody access, except 81.97.62.218’

(Notice how these lines could have been added to the http.conf file). You can essentially turn on any directory options from here that you might normally include in the directories definition in the httpd.conf. This is one of the main reasons I find it helpful to run with AllowOverride all. Just like access, you can switch options on or off. For instance, let’s say I hadn’t included Options Indexes in my default www folder, but I had a folder I wanted the user to be able to browse. I can do this by adding the following line to an .htaccess file and placing it in this folder:

Options +Indexes

Password Protecting Folders with .htaccess

Rather than simply denying or granting access, you could use the the .htaccess file to password protect a folder:

AuthUserFile C:\wamp\.htpasswd
AuthName “Login to the Private Area”
AuthType Basic
Require valid-user

Important (but, hopefully obvious!) Note : do not place the .htpasswd anywhere within the folders that are publicly available on the web!

To generate the .htpasswd file you can run the htpasswd program (located under Apache’s /bin folder for Windows, or in /usr/sbin/htpasswd for Linux).

Simply run the following command in the command-line: htpasswd.exe -c ‘passwordfile’ ‘username’. Here is an example command I might use to create a new password file:

htpasswd.exe -c c:\wamp\www\protectedfolder\mypasswrdfile thefraj

OR for Linux something like:

sudo htpasswd -cm /var/www/protectedfolder/mypasswrdfile thefraj

Setting Up 301 Redirect Rules Using .htaccess, non-Canonical Address Redirect

You can also use .htaccess to setup 301 redirects for incoming requests to another page:

Redirect 301 /oldpage.html http://www.example.co.uk/newpage.php
Redirect 301 /secondoldpage.html http://www.example.co.uk/newpage2.php

This is perfect tactic if you have a new site built, and the structure has changed. Perhaps the names of pages or their locations have changed – I find it helps to spend a bit of time filling out the htaccess file with necessary redirects to ensure search engines can still find everything! Or you can setup general rules for redirecting. Here is an example which will redirect every requested page to the www. equivalent.

RewriteEngine on
rewritecond %{http_host} ^example.com [nc]
rewriterule ^(.*)$ http://www.example.com/$1 [r=301,nc]

I won’t get too deep into url rewriting as this probably deserves an entire chapter just to itself! But, in a nut-shell .htaccess can be used to override all kinds of neat behaviour from the server. In a previous post about dynamic css, I showed how to use .htaccess to tell the server to process .html .css documents using PHP:

AddType application/x-httpd-php .html .htm .css
AddHandler application/x-httpd-php .html .htm .css

which allows you to do all kinds of neat things. In fact, you can even use .htaccess to set or unset HTTP header directives and responses the server gives.

Even if you use a commercial hosting account, many of these tricks will still work, although your milage will vary. Some tricks (such as the ‘AddHandler’ and ‘AddType’ directives or URL rewrite rules) may take some experimenting to get right – each server will be setup slightly differently, and what works on one may need altering slightly to work on another.

Well, this just about does it for this first installment. Next time : how to host multiple domains using Apache’s VirtualServer directive.